I have decided to start the 52 project where you take a photo once a week of a subject. I am in desperate need of getting back into my photography and since I have an ever changing subject glued to my hip these days i figured this would be perfect. So expect some serious baby over load at least once every week!
Ace is officially two months old now! Seriously where the heck has time been going? He changes so much everyday I can seem to keep up. Currently he is a smiley little bug who can't help but crack a smile every time you call him stinky (mind you it must be in a high pitch squeal otherwise its nothing to laugh about), he is discovering his hands and is trying extra hard these days to suck on his fingers to get that pesky little thumb of his. It must be his left hand though, the right hand is simply not useful to him.
Thus far sleeping is….well I'm not getting my full 8 hours if thats what your wondering. But we are getting there slowly but surely. And of course he is finding his voice too! His favorite things to discuss his past times with are the ceiling fan and a deer skull hanging on our bedroom wall. He knows who his true friends are no doubt about that.
Chad and I are trying to get the house more organized since there suddenly seems to be a lot more stuff around the house since we received our new roommate. We finally started hanging some stuff on our tv wall (three years later after moving in ehemmm) I would say all in all things are finally starting to fall right into their little places.
I always knew I would want to have a kid, maybe two. I loved the thought and the idea of it all and how it all looked. Every blog that I ever read made motherhood look glamorous and beautiful and I envied it. I already knew that being a parent wasn't easy, I am not naive to this by any means. But by golly its life changing for sure. The blogs that I drooled over failed to tell and show the struggles of waking up 2-4 times in the night. They forgot to mention the amount of laundry that turns into mountains in a matter of minutes. Or the fact that you simply don't feel the same after giving birth to a child. It must have skipped their minds to tell about how when your poor little baby is crying for reasons you don't understand that you want to give up and join them in their tears. Motherhood is exhausting. But I see why it is never brought up because even though its tiring and your more than just pooped out. The small tiny little things like them smiling in their sleep, looking up at you in confusion wondering who you are to them and having such adorable little toes. It makes those midnight wake up calls and extreme blown out diaper catastrophes so, so worth it.
Life as we know it is totally different. Motherhood is hard. But I love it.
A Birth Story
On Saturday December 14th Chad and I had plans of spending time on the beach near his parents house because the weather was going to be simply perfect. However Chad had to help his dad with moving some furniture for work and I told him I would tag along, even though it meant getting up early, and we could hit the beach the moment they were done.
As Chad and I are getting ready to leave the house I ran to the bathroom as a precaution because God only knows the moment we start driving I would have to pee. As Im finishing up I notice a spot of pink blood on the toilet paper and my heart starts to panic. I scream for Chad to take a gander of the evidence that our lives are going to change soon. He tells me not to worry and we head out the door.
I instantly send a group text to my three sisters and mother explaining the blood and that labor may not be too far away. My mother calls me instantly in tears because her plane ticket out here isn't for another 5 days and she doesn't want to miss the birth. I reassure her that its probably nothing to freak out about but if anything happens (which i doubt it would) I would call her straight away.
While Chad was off helping his dad move furniture I sat in the car and went google crazy looking up what the blood could mean and overanalyzing everything. Tears running down my face that these last few days are going to be the last moments of just Chad and I, I wasn't ready to let that go. When they finished up we headed to Chads parents house before we got to the beach to say hi to his mom and maybe steal a snack while we were there. I explained to Chris about this morning and I could feel the excitement flood out of her. She was more then ready to see her little grand baby and who could blame her.
While we were there hanging out and chit chatting our family friend Bethany comes over for a little visit. We were all talking in the kitchen and I told Bethany about this morning as well (cause you know when something weird happens to you, you just want to tell every listening ear about it). I jump up on the kitchen counter and explain to Chris and Bethany that I think I could have the baby this weekend. Bethany and I keep talking while Chris leaves the kitchen and Bethany says something to make me laugh. I instantly feel something leak out of me but assume it to be more blood and blow it off.
Bethany starts to walk out of the kitchen and I jump off the counter and follow behind her only to stop dead in my tracks the moment I hit the living room.
Bending my knees inward and holding the crouch of my pants as if to stop the gushing amount of fluid draining out of me I stutter to Bethany that I think my water just broke and tears being to roll out. Bethany runs to Chris to tell her and Chad comes in behind me asking me whats wrong. I felt speechless and overwhelmed. Im not ready for this, not yet. Thats all I could think. Chad and Chris direct me to the shower to rinse off and my whole body is shaking. I was terrified, I have been dreading giving birth for 9 months. While Chad starts the shower I call my mom immediately. And this is how she answers "Carlee! Carlee! Whats wrong what happened?" I had to laugh to myself a bit because throughout my entire pregnancy this is how she had been answering the phone when I called. At least this time I had something worth making her anxious over. I explain the situation and she starts sobbing over the phone, she didn't want to miss this for the world. We hang up so she can look into changing her flight to come tonight.
That shower couldn't have felt better. I didn't want to get out. I just stood there trying to process what was going to happen next. Would I be in pain right away. How bad was it going to hurt. What will life be like once the baby is here. I kept replaying images of this movie I watched a few weeks earlier of a girl who had a baby and how much her life changed and she was so unhappy. Would I be unhappy? I kept my arms around my belly. I wasn't ready to let my little buddy inside me out. I knew I would miss pregnancy.
I finally got out of the shower.
Chad and I drove home and I continued to cry.
Meanwhile my sisters were simply dying for me to get to the hospital. Continually texting me urging me to get there now. I wasn't having contractions and I knew once I got to the hospital I would be stuck there. Instead I made a grilled cheese sandwich. Chad picked up the house and we gathered whatever things I didn't get around to packing for the hospital. We walked up and down our long driveway to see if contractions would start up. Chad asked me "does your head feel clear?" He wanted to make sure that I remembered everything. "Very clear." I said
After my sisters nonstop antagonizing me to get to the hospital we left the house at 5pm.
They were already parked waiting for us to pull up and we all walked in together.
They wheeled me upstairs into my room where my sisters started unpacking all their things they had brought for the event, snacks, music, cards, ect. Apparently they were a little more excited then I had realized. I got undressed into my hospital gown and they started the IV because I had Group B strep and had to be on antibiotics. I can assure you I put up a good fuss about the whole thing and complained about how much I hated needles while getting jabbed in the arm as the nurse struggled to find a vein. The night seemed endless. No contractions. Nurses always coming and going checking vitals. I disliked being there it was simply impossible to get sleep. Chad and I walked the halls trying to get contractions going looking at all the pictures of babies on the wall. We still didn't have a boys name picked out. We may have made fun of some babies pictures and hoped we wouldn't have an ugly baby. All babies are kind of ugly looking we decided.
Around 2 in the morning my mom walked in my room. She seemed so relieved that I wasn't holding a baby. We chit chatted and I told her to try and get some rest, I knew nothing was going to happen anytime soon. My sister Courtney and Chad stayed in the room with me for the rest of the night and the next morning was a flow of visitors throughout the day. By 9am my nurse had explained to me that I would need pitocin to get contractions going. They wanted to try and get the baby out in the first 24 hours of my water breaking. Tears again. I wanted a natural birth no drugs what so ever. I knew that not a lot of people can handle pitocin without getting an epidural. Instant pain was all I could think. I asked if I could shower first anything to prolong it. Wish granted.
The nurses were fabulous and gave it to me in small doses. It started out fine. I was handling it all fairly well. But they had to keep bumping it up to really get it going. More tears. I was simply terrified of the unknown. I have never experienced a lot of pain and every story I have every heard about child birth was always different.
It was a waiting game.
Time seamed to be going by so fast for me, every hour felt like minutes. Although I simply can't say the same for everyone else.
Next door to me a woman had come in with the same situation as me. Her water broke first and they started her on pitocin. I kept asking Paula how she was doing I felt as sorry for her as I did for myself. And I wanted to see how long either of us lasted until one of us got an epidural.
Around 12-1 o clock the contractions were getting intense and I was no longer having conversations with anyone in the room. I remember practically interviewing anyone I knew that had a baby if they could tell me what the pain was like when having a contraction. Literally every person said they couldn't really remember the feeling of the pain but that it was bad. When I was going through the contractions I thought to myself I want to remember this pain incase anyone ever asks me what its like and I can give them an answer. Well, I can't really remember what the pain was like. Some people get back labor which was not the case for me, I felt all of it in my lower abdomen. An intense menstrual cramp that radiated throughout me that continually got worse.
Paula was my nurses name. She had been dealing with my pathetic pleas all day about not bumping up my pitocin. They can have it go from 1-20. The highest she gave me was an 8 before I was having contractions on my own. by 3:30 she took it down to a 4. By 4 o clock they took me off of it. The pain was very intense.
She got an epidural my mom said. The girl next door caved. Was I such a terrible person that I was happy I was still going as if it were a competition? I don't even know this woman. I didn't care. The thought of it made me feel like a champion.
Pre-labor I had told Chad several times I DID NOT want to be one of those pregnant woman that moan and scream and make tons of noise the whole time. I wanted to be as calm as possible. Lets get real. I made it very clear this was no joy ride. I can now sympathize with every woman in labor, if you need to make some noise, you make some damn noise.
They finally let me get into the labor tub to help with the pain. Walking down the hallway I wanted to drop on the floor and die. It took everything in me to want to walk and I was panicked for any contraction I would get while standing.
Poor Paula had overflowed the labor tub and water was everywhere. I was forced to stay in the hall for a few minutes and she got the floors mopped up. In the mean time I was forcing my mother and Chad to sway me back in forth while I hung on to the wall.
That tub was glorious in so many ways. Contractions were still hard and heavy but the water was pure bliss as I floated in my own little world trying to pretend I was somewhere far better then there.
I only stayed in for an hour or so before I was ready to get out. I had this feeling that I may want to push and part of me was hoping I would be somewhat dilated. I wanted to get out of that tub and back in my bed as soon as possible without having any contractions in that god forsaken hallway. No luck on that one. I labored more in bed as they tried to get me more comfortable laying me on my side. I was moaning a little less and handling my contractions better with breathing. I made sure that someone was always rocking me back and forth to help take my mind off the pain. I didn't care what was being rocked my body, my head. I just wanted some type of movement.
I believe it was around 7 in the evening that I started begging Paula to let me just push the baby out. She checked me. Dilated 9. Like some kind of cruel joke. Paula please I said just let me push I want to push.
No you need to be a 10. Do not push!
Easier said then done.
Im pretty sure I made her check at least two more times. Paula finished her shift and Sara took over. It was a few minutes till 8. I continued to call the nurses by name as if this would give me a higher advantage that they would allow me to push. Sara was kind enough to follow through with my pleas and checked me again. I knew what she was going to say and dreaded to hear that I would have to keep suffering through it.
"Your at 10 Carlee you can push."
Everyone in the room was cheering.
Here I was begging them to let me push and now that I have the chance I didn't want to. Ring of fire, ring of fire. Thats all anyone ever talks about.
The next contraction came and I gave it my all. It felt like someone had relieved me of a headache. Pushing was the greatest feeling in the world. I believe they weren't expecting to see that I was crowning and before I knew it they were panicking to call the doctor. A few other woman rushed in and my bed was being taken apart. The lower half collapsed and feet holsters were brought up. A cart covered in blue sterilized paper was wheeled to the lower half of the bed and I continued pushing. Surrounded by my two sisters, mothers and Chad all chanting me on describing the look and telling me our little one had hair. The doctor that was on call for the night showed up all gloved and ready to go. They brought down a giant light from the ceiling that looked like a UFO and the cart covered in blue paper was exposed. Lined with all kinds of intense looking instruments I felt like I was there for an autopsy. "Please don't cut me." I said, that was the first thing I could think of. He reassured me not to worry it wouldn't happen.
"What were you doing before you got here?" I asked
"I just finished up dinner."
I pushed again and again.
The ring of fire.
I was screaming at the top of my lungs as I felt the doctors fingers pry me farther open. The head was out, the shoulders and body following what felt like seconds after. I had been pushing for a half hour when he lifted up my baby as everyone shouted its a boy! My eyes burned to stay open, I was exhausted. Chad cut the cord but I didn't see it happen. They placed him on my chest and I held his tiny little butt in my left hand while coddling his head in the other. I loved him. I held him for awhile until they took him away to measure and weigh him. Everyone fled that direction while I was being stitched up like a torn doll. I had never felt so tired I may have dosed off once or twice. It took everything in me to stay awake. The room continued to flood with people. Parents, grandparents and friends who were all anxiously waiting in the waiting room.
I couldn't believe I made it through the whole thing without drugs. In all honesty though, if they would have asked if I wanted some, I would have said yes.
Its funny during my pregnancy I was so concerned about people seeing me naked in any kind of way that I was looking into different outfits I could wear and how to avoid anyone seeing anything. By the very end of it all I was butt naked with not a care in the world. Having a baby changes you.
We still didn't have a name for our little guy when he came out. Wolfgang was a must but its a lot of name for one person so we chose it as his middle name. By the next morning we were tossing through some of our favorites and between Chad and I, Ace was the one we both liked equally.
He came out a beautiful 6lbs 12 oz and 20 1/2 inches long. We were head over heals for him.
Now its already been a month! He has grown and changed so much since he made his appearance and we simply couldn't be happier. There is simply nothing we love more then our little Ace Wolfgang.
M A T E R N I T Y S T Y L E
7 M O N T H S
( skirt and shoes: h&m ~ mens denim: forever 21 ~ t shirt: catalina island)
six months ago i was thinking to myself its going to feel like forever before i have this baby. i had so many ideas about how i wanted to blog about every moment and do outfit posts, now fast forward six months and now im due in three months and havent done any of that! i cant believe how fast it went and how lazy i've gotten. but alas heres my new favorite outfit that i slapped on just for you guys. since my pants officially dont button i am moving on to stretchy skirts and my husbands clothes (which he is just thrilled about).
thus far pregnancy has been smooth sailing. i have managed to keep the stretch marks away (for now) and have been eating as well as i can. recently i have had the delightful privilege of experiencing braxton hicks but my theory on this is the more the merrier since i am going to try and go into this birthing situation natural i figure it will better prepare me for when i go into labor and im not freaking out since i have never experienced it before. this way i will have a slight idea as to how its going to go down and i will already have my technics on dealing with the pain. one can only hope for the best.
for those of you mamas out there who did it without pain meds what were some of your technics in handling it? id love to hear all about it!